For those who are interested in the truth!!!!

37 Years of pain and loneliness
View happy moments! One other destroyed life! Yes I held on to my marriage only view knows for how long fought what I could but failed!
All began almost 37 Years ago… People say I had been a wanted Child! Never felt like!!! Happy childhood??? No one was there!!! Within my first year at school I had been already a so called Schlüsselkind. Came home no one was there.
Did what had been expected from me and always had the feeling I failed!
My school diploma I failed!!!
My Highschool degree I failed!!!
Job education … I failed!!!
My first family … I failed!!! Saskia is more like me now but this is no help I am worried that she will be in the same misery too!!!
On going life first little successes but than big fall and failed!!!
My own family … I failed in the end!!! I’ve tried so hard to keep up with it… Tried to love her endlessly; tried to do everything possible; tried to keep up with my vow; tried to honour her tried to make what was expected; Now I am told that I didn’t well just a point of view…

Yes there is another one and everybody should blame me for falling in love with her!!! But can we really control what our body chemistry is doing? I can’t and honestly I don’t want to!!! I do understand anger but why is my wife also trying, this is what she is not mentioning here, to find out, every time we are meeting, how is the status between her and me??? I did try to keep the other one out of every conversation but my wife won’t let me! She has never been a reason for the separation!!!

All I want to say now is that I changed my life in the past days in total broke with everything I had especially my past! I’ve lost my family in blood! I’ve lost my family which I had been promised to be true. I’ve lost a lot of friends just because I stood for the first time in my life for what I should have done earlier!
I do not miss the person who gave birth to me and the other ‘producer’. I do miss the little wonder that I am having with my wife. But she is taking it now to put pressure onto me! That is also as true as what she wrote:
“You say you won´t come
Not even to see our sunshine
If I can´t behave????”
There is just deep pain now in my life and yes there is also hope and deep feelings where they shouldn’t be!
This is the way it is!!! And what I’ve hope I’ll reach with my family was defiant not failing again! Fact is I did!!! All I hope for my future is that it will be better than the past! My wife and our Child are the only thing in my life I consider not to be a mistake and the happiest thing I’ve had!!! But still I failed!
I am sorry I can't go on now maybe later

und auch diesmal habe ich wieder versucht nette Worte zu finden... Weil ich versuche wie ich es gelernt habe alle Schuld auf mich zu laden!
Nein diesmal nicht!!! Sie redet davon wie sehr ich Sie verletzt habe... Ja das habe ich und ja es tut mir leid!!! Aber das ich alles auf mich genommen habe das ich uns eine Wohnung ermöglicht habe... mich überschuldet habe... Von Anfang an gesagt habe das ich Ihr keine Steine in den Weg legen werde wegen Ihrer Rückreise mit unserer Tochter (mir hat es das Herz zerrissen)... das ich Ihr den Großteil des Erlöses aus dem Verkauf Ihrer (unserer) Wohnungseinrichtung zukommen lasse... Ich alle Schulden restlos übernehme... Das alles verschweigt Sie hier! Ja Sie hat ihre Ehe verloren und auch darunter leide ich da ich einen so lieben Menschen verletzt habe!!! Aber ich habe meine Eltern, mein Zuhause und meine Integrität verloren... hatte sogar bis vor wenigen tagen auf der Straße gesessen... Sozialer Bodensatz war ich!!! Frage was ist schlimmer ein gebrochenes Herz oder ein gebrochenes Leben???
Ich konnte nicht mehr!!! Ich habe alles beendet!!! Aber ich habe gekämpft bis zum letzten selbst als ich schon nicht mehr konnte!!! Und das ist die Wahrheit!!!

The fact that I have a broken heart...yes you are right.The fact you can so easily give it to someone else...that´s just crazy.I know what you said about not standing in our way....how very noble.....but it would not matter anyway.You chose the path now you have to walk it.I was forced onto a path I never wanted to take.You know you have done wrong and sooooo many lies for soooooooo long, I cannot pretend to be happy and joyful,sorry but that would be a lie for me and I don´t do lies!

It was not a mistake to marry you or to have our child but it´s sometimes very hard to believe that one minute you can love one person and the next love someone else.Yes I know I know you have not loved me for a long time soooo many long lies I believed were true.I now can´t believe what you say anymore.You say deeply in love,weren´t you deeply in love with me and all the other women before you ran off with someone else???Also with deeply in love, you then asked me just a week or so ago if I would ever marry you again and one day you might knock on my door when I go home.Yet you are deeply in love with someone else?????Just listen to yourself somtimes.You contradict yourself.Thats why it is hard to believe what you say.

Yes I have to see that you have moved on and as you said yesterday...have a life but I do not accept it....my choice.Now I move on with our daughter to a much better life and hopes for her in the future.She is my all and I will do everything in my power to protect her in life.As for me, well, just need to find someone who will love me the way a man should and to love my daughter.

We deserve much better than the life here and we will have it.There are no nice words I can really find...sorry.I loved you, probably in a way always will, you are the father of our daughter, she will always know who you are....but as for love...puh......what is love???

Treasure Saskia, She is here close to you,make an effort to really be her father.She needs you, some stability,love and support.I tried to get you to make more of an effort with her.Don´t lose her completely.You and her deserve this relationship afterall you are blood.

With the other, she may not have been the complete reason for our divorce but she made it go quicker and it´s so much easier when you can fall into anothers arms...makes all the other problems fade away.Also the question remains,is all this hurt, anger,love,falling apart families......is she really worth it????Will it last???You told me you would only ever get married once in your life....somehow I just don´t believe that anymore.You have made many choices in the last month,many that have ruined people and their hopes and dreams,is it all worth it.....friends are always there......lovers not......family is always there....but you throw them away....they may not come back...then you have noone....is it worth it???You love her, good I am glad you can be happy again.Don´t worry about the rest of us, we will pick up the pieces and move on.We all deserve to be loved and happy and looking forward to the future.

You never understood me as you just have proven again!

I do not want to give a comment on the rest because I told you my opinion about it before!

Thank you for the public rose war I never wanted!!!

There are many things in life we don´t want....but have to accept......that is what I have learnt.During all of this I have learnt many things.During our time together I have learnt many things.I tried to understand you but you never let me.Everywhere I turned there was something different.I thought I knew you then you would change or say something that would make me question.You never talked about anything with me,your problems etc.You wanted to work them out on your own,which you are still doing.

There is no more need for comments as you don´t hear what I have to say...or you don´t want to hear.I have tried to be accomodating, like being nice before,cooking you dinner,trying to be pleasant but I cannot lie anymore about it.Take a step back from the situation and look at it from another persons perspective.You would see this is a mess.You also told me you would never and could never have a relationship with this person....now you are deeply in love and actually in a relationship.You asked me about marrying you again.Everything you say is a lie....what am I to believe???

At least I can vent my feelings on here like you have always done but never allowed me to look.

This is finished, over, our marriage, our life....I know that now and accept that you won´t be in my life as anything else as our sunshines father.

I cannot and will not go through this any longer.I have found out the man you really are and I feel only pity.I have a wonderful daughter, a loving family, friends to support me, new friends to support me....what else could I want........well I only ever wanted you and our daughter....but we are finished forever.

Now I have all my feelings and thoughts out there and not holding them in any longer I can heal and I feel better already, smiling as I now write.The baggage is leaving me and now I can enjoy life again.

A promise to you, I will keep, my anger is passing and my hurt, now I can deal with you without lowering myself to that level, I am better than that.So I am now ready to face the future on a positive note.



By the way I have a telephone job interview next week....first application,emailed me the next day with an interview.

Congratulations to the last sentence. I am holding my fingers crossed for this interview!
To the rest... even so I could tell you heaps to what you wrote... I am tired to... do not want to comment this anymore!

The arguing and the fighting must stop!!! I just hope that this time this is the truth from your side!!!

Thanks for the congrats.It is shown all my hard work over the years of 6 years study was worth it all and pays off.My wonderful job I have now that I must leave to a wonderful private school that is one of the best in Australia.So easy it is for me.

You don´t want to talk about it...fine...but it also won´t go away by not facing it.In order to solve problems and resolve things in life we must deal with them and not hope they will go away or run away from them.Or we run forever in our lives never facing up to things.

I cannot promise the world about the fighting.....it would be a lie to promise such a thing.Truth.........what does that word mean sometimes I just don´t know.......but I try

It’s not that I do not want to give a comment on what you have to tell me it is more that I do not want to argue about things we’ve already discussed in the past!
We’ve had our fights in the last weeks which had been tough and this was never the way I wanted it to be! But you’ve forced me in to many argumentations unnecessary!
If I would give any statements here we would just go on with it!!! An in the lill sunshine’s name this is not worth it both sides made mistakes you because you didn’t know and the worst mistake came from my side because I’ve cut you out of my life!
This is the way it is and this is the unfortunate way it will be ongoing…

I am facing my life! I am facing the hard facts! And if you want to put it this way I am running towards her! Those are facts!
But the last one is your point of view! I am continuing with my life! A tougher one than ever before! But I am facing my facts and you better not tell me what you think about it because it is just giving bad blood in between us. I never want to tell you about her I never want to tell you any status! You were the one asking you wanted to hurt yourself for whatever reason!

If you tell me I do make it simple for me good this is your opinion and everybody has a right on his own opinion! But I do certainly do not continue as I did all the past times that is another fact you are denying! Go ahead tell everybody the truth!!! Why don’t you dare??? You know I do have my appointment this week to get help! Why don’t you write about that???
Why don’t you write about the hard times you gave me??? What about me loosing everything and now doing a complete new start? Com’on you should let everybody not know only half the truth!!! Tell it in total tell them why you’ve invited me for dinner again!!! You didn’t do it because you are so kind tell them about what you’ve told me what you want from me later on when she is sleeping!!!

As you said,my dear, we all are able to give our opinions....it is a free country.If you don´t like the opinion that´s ok...your choice.I know you never wanted to tell me about her but I do have a right to know...after all we are still on paper married.I just have a right to know....like when we are divorced you still have a certain right to know what´s going on in our sunshines life.Which I am not denying you.I know about your appointment......and I said that it is great and also about time...but I am hoping you continue with it for the next couple of years...that´s how long it may take.Please don´t fail at this as well.


The hard times I gave you....what...when we were married?I tried everything, I did everything.You have lost everything that´s true but also of your own doing and own choice which we all now have to live with.It is hard to make a new start,I have done it a few times....but we make choices and then we have to be responsible for the choices we make and not complain.

I invited you for dinner only because it is better for sunshine to play with her father and put to bed.Just to come for a half hour she would never settle to sleep.And what the hell are you on about with when she is sleeping?????If you mean sleep with you??????not when you are dirty and cheating......and never again.Don´t make yourself look too good.I don´t want anything for you......